A first

I had a consult for a couple looking for a midwife today. I think it went well. I felt very comfortable with them~ and old. :) They're young and sweet.
Regardless of whether they hire me, I'm glad for the experience of interviewing as a midwife instead of a doula.
This weekend:
Friday am: take Agnes to the vets. Go running when we return. Maybe go clean Friday night to get it out of the way for the weekend.
Saturday: trying to talk Greg into going to the lake with us after work.
Sunday: I want to go to church, we'll see if we get there. Have to pick up Eamon's birthday cake around noon. His birthday party is at 3pm.

Today I was bad and did some retail therapy. Went to Target without kids to buy Eamon's birthday present. Got him a sweet play kitchen made of wood. (Target now carrying nice wodden stuff). He loves his friend's play kitchens. I also bought a summer dress on clearance and a cute pair of black kitten heels (so cheap!! $7!). And a new bathing suit. My top of last years bikini is so big this year! My boobaliscious self is a little less than (last year) and the top is all over the place. So I got a cute black two piece. Feel guilty but good. I never buy clothes for myself and Greg gets little crap all the time. Plus, I got the first half of my doula fee a couple days ago and felt like I could spend $40 on me. And more on garbage bags, kitty litter, wipes and so on. Exciting, I know.
Now all I need is somewhere to wear the cute dress and shoes to! Maybe I can get my mom over here so we can have a date some evening.

It's 9pm and kids are still up. Need to go and get everyone tucked down for the evening.

Even though Eamon is turning two, I can't help but to still have memories fresh enough to be thinking: Two years ago on this day I was big as a house! Wondering when my baby would be born. I cleaned the credit union that night...
His was such a lovely birth. Both kids were. Lucky mama, me.

Twice in one day

I took a nap with Eamon today because I was crazy tired (previous night got 1.5 hours sleep due to insmonia and 4:30am waking children) with a migraine to boot. So I slept through a lovely thunderstorm (rain always gives me a headache~which sucks b/c I really like rain), woke up and had coffee and 4pm. Here it is going on 11pm and I just had peanutbutter toast and would love to have some coffee~ but I won't do it. This is why I need some decaf in the house. I'm always too cheap to buy two cans of coffee and once though.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I was stretching in a doorway. You know how you hold onto the trim at the top of the threshold and stretch long... and then behind me a man came up and held me to him. He smelled really good. Very clean like soap but also manly. He had his hands over my boobs and I looked to see who it was and it was Will Smith! As in The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Will Smith. Crazy. And my next thought was, "Ugh! My boobs are so small!" I was embarassed and then I so wisely remembered: "Wait, he's married to Jada Pinkett Smith
and she has small boobs!" So then it was all right and not so embarassing.
How silly and so dumb People magazine. When do I ever give celebrities a thought?
Will Smith is cute though. I thought it was funny how vain I was about my breasts. Like a highschool girl. Blech.

My mom called today to tell me she got Eamon a talking Elmo Gets a Check-up doll for his birthday. Fab. I had said just yesterday she might try to find him a pint-sized play vacuum or mop because he loves to mock clean and do as we do. You know, one of those Use Your Imagination toys...
Oh well, it's up to the grandparents to buy annoying toys and feed your kids crap.
Sarah was at the lake with my mom the other day and my sister was there telling her to quit giving Sarah all this crap. But my mom would say things like: "But Doritos don't have sugar!" or "It's Sprite! There's no caffeine!" or "This Fudgesicle is so small and she only had 5 Oreos!"
I heard the tale from both my sister (who was trying to act in my place) and my mom (who thought she wasn't giving Sarah too much crap). I had to tell my mom that when Sarah came home she had a migraine and threw up. That she can't have that much crap, even if it doesn't have caffeine!
It doesn't matter though. It'll happen again. I told my mom that I'd appreciate it if she cut back on all the junk food loading (and she declared again that Doritos don't have sugar). But that I'm also trying to remind Sarah the cause and effect of eating crap so that she limits herself. So that when I'm not around she's not over-doing it. Because it's ME who has to hold a writhing, migraine-y child who is vomiting and crying.
I don't mind occasional junk food. I like it myself. But it should either be home made and/or very limited. I'm convinced all the artificial shite does most of the damage anyway.

All right. I have some things to look up and I'm totally ignoring the work I should be doing.

Tuesday

Things are looking up around here, thank God.
I've been hired to be a doula to a sweet couple due late July. I'm also supposed to be sitting at the Friends Of Michigan Midwives art fair booth~ I know it will be hot an miserable, but I'm looking forward to it. With only mild anxiety about being called to the doula birth while being stuck downtown. Should be all right.
I interviewed with another couple due early August and got a call for someone due mid-August. Both doula gigs. I'm meeting with a woman Thursday who wants a homebirth. She's half-way through her pregnancy and is fed up with her doctor. She's very low income, so I'm meeting her for a consult of sorts, maybe if only to help her find better ways to navigate the medical system or maybe to be her midwife. We shall see.
I've got a friend who has made it known that she is available for middle of the night childcare. This is wonderful to me.
My mom's veru much loved dog passed away Friday and she is beside herself. My mom is one hardcore griever. I'm afraid to even talk about her helping me out with the end of July doula couple. I'll give a week or two.
Tomorrow we're supposed to be hanging out at the lake with Kate, Stacia and all the kids. Fun.
Trying to find daily adventures to keep us busy. Today was going to Sam's club with two hungry, tired children. Not fun. Ordered Eamon's birthday cake for his party this Sunday.
My baby is turning two!!!
I've been having so many surreal, dreamy days followed by surreal dreams at night. And some insomnia to boot. Not anxiety ridden insomnia (for a change), but just dreamy weird thoughts that makes it hard to differentiate between thinking and dreaming.
I had a dream that my maternal grandparents (now both dead) were eating dinner in a restaurant with my two girl cousins. These cousins were raised by my grandparents. Their mother died of breast cancer in her mid-thirties and my granpa died of lung cancer about 15 years ago. It was strange to run into them and since we've never had much of a relationship or really knew each other, I made dumb small talk like I would with an old client or highschool friend. At any rate, I didn't remember it until a few hours after waking when I went running. I passed a Relay for Life Cancer poster and remembered the dream because of the cancer.
Crazy. Not scary, just leaves me wondering what it's supposed to mean, if anything.

I have so much more to say, but Eamon is plucking off the baby raspberries from my raspberry bush. Must go save it!

quick pic update

this is the cocnut cream pie i made for my dad for father's day. i cheated and bought a graham cracker crust, but the rest is home made. from the yummy cocnut custard to the lightly toasted meringue~that's right, meringue that i whipped up myself. over-flowing with pride, here... (except for my gross, old pizza pan the pie is resting on)

we went to Timbertown to play today. Eamon found it a bit overwhelming. He drug Greg through all thelittle nooks and crannies. So glad to have a kid who wants his dad all the time instead of his mama. Sarah had to have me all the time when she was little.

Yesterday we were graced by the presence of little Ernie for the day. So good to see Shelly!! I have pics of Ernie too but forgot to add them. Shelly and I were bar buddies when Chuck DJ'd every Sunday. We used to chain smoke, drink Pepsi and paint these crazy little plaster Christmas ornaments together. Then we quit smoking and drinking Pepsi when we were pregnant together with Sarah and Ernie. They now live in Toledo so we don't get to see them very often It's always fun when we can hang out.

Here's Sarah and Eamon at the lake last weekend. I should've taken a pic of me and Vanessa since she was there and I only see her maybe once a year. Beautiful day.

Oh yes, here's Ernie and Sarah. They've been in love for years! They play together nicely. He's a great kid.

Summer vacation and no time to blog

Is it obvious that my child is out on summer vacation? The blogging opportunities are spacing out more and more. The only reason I'm on now is because my husband called at 6:20am to make sure I was up (I asked him to remind me to set the alarm for myself after it went off for him at 2am.)
This morning I have an interview with potential doula clients. Because of a funky work schedule, I'm meeting them at 8:30am. Sweet Kate is watching my kids so I can take another stab at getting a job.
Speaking of, a funny thing happened. Last week it occurred to me to pray for some employment. Anything. I did technically get hired by the senior home assistance people, but they're waiting for a late afternoon/evening client to open up for me. (BTW, this job seems cool because it doesn't seem too hard to be on-call while working for them.) So in the mean-time, I've been squaking by with my usual cleaning gig. Anyway, a good 14 hours or so after praying for some kind of employment, I get a call at 10pm on Thursday from someone looking for a doula. I met with her on Saturday. Very sweet. She's meeting with other doulas and will let me know by this weekend. The very next day my neighbor approached about a pick-your-hours part time job that would work great with Greg's schedule. Saturday afternoon as I came back from meeting with the potential doula client, I get a call from someone looking for a doula. I came close to not answering the phone as I was getting ready to get us out the door for our first Riverside Neighborhood Association (woohoo!) picnic (which was lovely, although I was disappointed there weren't more kids). So that call was the one I meeting with this morning.
I was quite pleased with all the opportunities over the weekend, but of course obsessed over whether I should take the job offered by my neighbor. After all, the doula clients are not a sure thing yet. But if I take the neighbor job and then get hired, I could run the big risk of having to leave a new job to go to a birth and make my neighbor look bad.
So yesterday, I took Sarah out with me to run some errands as Eamon and Greg napped. We went to my neighbors work and met his boss and then let my mouth run like a river, explaining quite honestly my predicament, saying I didn't want to appear flakey, and wanted to be honest with them, etc. Very sweet people.
After that I went to the senior home care place just quick to give them a copy of my SS card (that I couldn't find when I was last there). The guy informs me that they have something for me, he thought (?), and would be calling me in a couple days.
So hopefully, I'm making the right decisions and at least one person will hire me for a doula gig AND I'll have fast and efficient childcare for when that happens. (My prayers are endless regarding my work, I swear.)
Ooo, and yesterday I received an email from a sweet couple who are not yet pregnant but asked me about my midwifery services and fertility counseling. Which felt really nice because at least I know my Plaster Washtenaw County with My Literature Campaign is working. And sooner than the predicted 6 months.

In other news: I spent two nice days with my old pal Vanessa who is currently living in California but was visiting her dad in A2. We had beer at the Corner Brewery Friday (such a nice place) and she joined the kids and I at Independence Lake on Saturday. Very nice. It makes me wish that she lived around here though. It's always so nice to see an old friend and things just fall into place as if you were still in 8th grade and chatting it up. She goes back today. Have a safe flight, V.O. We'll miss you!

Kate and I have continued to run at least a few days a week. We watch the kids as one of us runs. I've gotten my self up from one measly mile to three now. I prefer to run the neighborhoods as opposed to the boring track in the park though. Greg prefers the track. I feel like a mouse on a treadmill there and quickly get bored. Too ADHD to do the track. I need the hills and scenery of running through neighborhoods.

Ventured to Ikea yesterday. Busy but not horribly so. I had a headache though and the store is huge. Eamon got way over-stimulated by everything and became a complete nut half-way through the store. It was like trying to hold a badger in a pillowcase. The kid was squirming and giggling, then whinging, the giggling again~ all the while either squirming in my arms, shrieking as he was tethered in his stroller, or running amok making old women sneer at me. My head was pounding. There's just too much to look at in that store. Someday when we go back, the kids will stay home. I did manage to pick up a nice press-pot for $12.99. The one I bought Greg at stupid Bed,Bath and Beyond this Christmas was $30. So now we have a decent back up for when we break the $30 one. (We break coffee makers and such at least every 4-6 months, so this one is due.)

All right, the alarm is loud in my bedroom. Both kids are sleeping in my bed and neither of them are waking up. We need to be to Kate's by 8:20 so I can meet this sweet pregnant woman. Then we're supposed to run in Kate's neighborhood when I get back.
That's if the rain isn't too bad. Kate's hardcore though. I'm sure she'll push on.

Amazon Envy

Amazon Envy.
What cool words. Today I was hanging out with good friends Kate and Stacia. I love these women. I can definitely be myself around them without any repurcussion of any kind. These are the women to go to when I need to be cheered up, when I need to vent, when I need to let my kids play with their kids.
Lately, I've been a wee bit sucked into dumb drama that is driven solely by fear and insecurity (not on my part, this time!). At any rate, very dumb and very highschool.
I was reminded of why I love my Big Girl friends so much. And was also reminded of how throughout my entire life, I've been drawn to large, bold women. They kick ass and they don't judge me or see me as some sick and twisted competition. Instead they make me laugh and I'm able to draw strength from their seemingly inate boldness and flair.

This afternoon I took a stab at trying to thank my two friends for being in my life. I prefaced it by explaining that I'd do my best to be articulate and tactful about how I'm always drawn to the big girls. Kate laughed and said I had AMAZON ENVY.
I love it. We laughed. Good words. Good times and good, sweet friends.
Thank you, ladies.

And to put the icing on the cake, I got an email from my pal Vanessa(who is not a big girl, but a long time friend who knew my old Big Girl family from highschool)this evening, saying she's coming into town tomorrow and we're going to try to hang out sometime this weekend.
I'm so excited for this visit.
And I'm so glad summer is here and hanging out in the backyard with friends and many children is just the thing to do.
Ah, many blessings.

re-thinking my late night tasks

Everyone is sleeping. It's nearly 10pm and I left my laundry on the clothesline. Only got online to check weather to make sure it's not gonna rain before I attempted to remove the laundry whilst being eaten alive by the hummingbird-sized mosquitoes.
No rain in the forecast= it can wait til the morning.
Once online I thought I'd be good and do some midwifery research and such.
But you know what? I'm going to bed to read my Gene Wilder autobiography by the light of my leg lamp.
Whadda rebel!
Guten Abend!

for the love of posting photos

My sweet boy (Eamon, not Greg) loves the lawn mower (just like his mama). Here's Greg giving him a lift on our version of a riding lawn mower. I've been carrying him on my back in the sling when mowing. Quite a work out, but it's fun. He literally shrieks with joy and laughter as I push along.

And here's little miss thing in her fancy Asian inspired shirt we received in a bag of teenage girl hand-me-downs (long story, but I got a decent pair of jeans out of it). She demanded I put her hair in a bun, which I did. With about 47 bobby pins. However, without a can of old-skool Aqua Net, her hair fell down in about a half hour. Good thing we took a picture while it lasted. That shirt has to be worn with a swishy, twirly black velvet skirt. Jeans won't do. Has to be the skirt. Every time. And only when she's in the mood for it.

Ah, sweet girl. She's sick tonight with a yucky tummy and vomiting. I'm hoping it was just all the refined sugar and hig carbs lunch we had at the blessingway today and not a stomach bug. Funny, because I'm so used to "midwife-y" potlucks full of greens and whole grains that going to a more traditional affair was a lot like a summer bbq as a kid. All white flour, lots of sugar. I of course, made sure to nicely point out the cause and effect to Sarah after she was feeling a little better. So she can make that note to self: jello on top of cool whip and pretzels is evil.

I just came home about 45 minutes ago from spending a large portion of my day driving to and from Lapeer for another midwife's blessingway. Went with Stacia (another midwife friend) and her little guy and my own 2 kids. The kids were well behaved despite being in the car for close to 3 hours. The blessingway was sweet as they always are. Very evangelical and a little outside my comfort zone (being brought up as a "don't touch me" Catholic). My friend pointed out how so many rituals amongst the evangelical closely mirror pagan rituals. Like the laying on of hands for strength, faith and healing. And prayer "circles". She made me laugh with her line: "Gosh, all you need is some sage burning and you'll have a lot pagans." Strange that.
I fall somewhere in the middle. Well not even middle. I have what for me is strong faith, but I'm not comfortable with laying my hands on people or them on me. That seems hoaky and weird. (Too tv-style, "Devil be gone!" and "You are healed!" as the lame get up and walk...)
I do feel comfortable praying together and usually feel very uplifted.
Stacia and I both agreed we loved working with really religious clients. Their faith surrounding labor and birth is amazing and strong and so uplifting. It's the people who are generally more agnostic and"in their head" that have harder times with things. I realize that's a horrible sweeping generalization, but it's often true. I pray on my way to births for guidance and I pray while I'm there for guidance and I pray for the family and the baby about to be born. But it always feels so good when the mom or dad prays for everyone present as well.
At any rate, not a big deal. It was a lovely group of women and the kids had fun too.

Now both kids and Greg are asleep in our bed. Greg tired from work and the kids from the long car ride. I'm trying to get myself to go run but I'd rather get some computer time. I've been one-on-one with the kids for days on end. Greg worked his days off and Eamon has been falling asleep really late and waking really early. So I've not had much time just to have me time. And tomorrow I'm watching Kate's 2 kids for 5 hours. By the end of that we'll all be cranky.
But it will be fun too.

All right, I think I will make myself go run.

Saturday at the botanical gardens

We went walking through the botanical garden's trails this past Saturday. All the Sweet William was blooming along with a lot of other things. It was lovely and cool, with only a few pesky mosquitoes. Good stuff.

poooooooor favor

Today we had a quick field trip to a city pool with Sarah's school. Those kids are fun. Eamon had a blast too. He's a dare devil extraordinaire who kept jumping into the pool regardless of whether I was there or not to catch him.

I dropped Sarah back off at school, and Eamon fell asleep on the way home. I know he's so hungry, but obviously more tired than hungry. Me, I just had some chicken pasta with iced coffee and now a peanut butter and honey sandwich. I don't know how people live on Atkins. I live on carbs. Protein is so hard to get in me. Blech.

Yesterday I had what I am optimistically calling a "midwife's rite of passage". Here it is: I put my groceries on a credit card. Oh, and I put $225 of my $564 water bill on my card too. Nothing says midwife like living on a credit card. I remember (from classes I've taken) older midwives telling me of their poor days. Of charging groceries and gas. I did both yesterday. Honestly, I don't know how I have managed this long without doing it. Greg's work is getting slower as summer comes on. Last week he worked 3 days. Which means his check will be nothing. Which means I'll probably be doing some kind of cash advance so our bills go through all right.
I'm trying to stay calm and optimistic. Knowing the whole thing of "It takes 6 months to get any calls once you plastered your name all over town...". My brochure is just about ready. Cards were sent out to various CBEs, chiros, MTs and the like a month ago. I also have myself in the MMA directory and on Birth Partners. I can't afford birth network yet.

There's a guy interested in my bike. He lives in Washington state but is moving to Ann Arbor in August. He and his wife will be in A2 this Wednesday and Thursday to look at houses. I'm supposed to ride my bike (which hasn't been ridden in 3 summers) up to their hotel as I go to clean the credit union. I'm a bit nervous because I haven't ridden in so long. I'm gonna get it out this evening and go on a trial run. It also needs to be washed. It's dusty. I don't know what his plan is if he does want to buy it. I could use the cash ASAP, but he probably won't buy it right away unless he has someplace to store it. Maybe he'll be rich and can store it locally and pay me NOW. Of course, the sad and sucky part of this is this: this motorcycle money is supposed to be paying for my NARM fees. However, I'm so broke right now I'll have to use a chunk of it to pay our current bills.
sooooooooooooobbbbbbbbbbb!
There's many days that have passed where I feel like I will never be a midwife. Many obstacles popping up. I just read my yearly horoscope and it said June will be a financially volatile time for me. Fabu. I figured that's what I get for reading my horrible-scope.
My sweet and always optimistic friend Tammy told me that a few years from now I will be a busy midwife and I will look back on this summer as being a sweet, but poor one where I got to spend a lot of time with my little kids, enjoying them fully.

I hope so. I really, really do.

On other fronts, we're all getting along very well these days. We've agreed to waiting this beast out and waiting for me to get the work I was trained to do. I've started running again. This feels good. I can tell the difference in my mood. It makes it much easier to not feel like I'm burdening Greg with a soley breastfed, fussy baby while I run. After I had Sarah I would never, ever leave her. And I think that if I did I would've been such a happier mama. She was 10 months old when Greg and I finally got out together without her. With Eamon, he was maybe 3 weeks old (granted, I was cleaning the credit union, not going out to drink or anything!). And yes, soley breastfed. I just wasn't in a tizzy about him needing me. And he survived just fine. And then I was back on-call at the 6 month mark. Being gone for unspecified amounts of time. So much better the second time around. So less neurotic. So much happier. It's all good.

So I hit the track to run and felt like I used to feel (before I had kids): that nice, meditative calm come over me. Knowing it's my time and no one is going to interupt me. And I was reminded of how running is much like labor. Surrendering while remaining strong. Sweating, some pain, but closing my eyes and letting it be. My inner birth junkie was well pleased.

All right. I better go. Eamon is still napping. I'm going to attempt to move various kayaks and motorcycles around the garage to get mine out to have the driveway car wash going on. Then all I'll need to do is get my Daisy Dukes on...

Who put this angel in my backyard?

This is my dear neighbor Elizabeth a few months ago in Jamaica.

I felt the need to need to celebrate my sweet friend Elizabeth, whose backyard butts up against mine. She just had a birthday last week (although she was out of town for it) and I want to wish her a very happy, fabulous new year.
Here's some Elizabeth history:
Before we bought our house, we rented an apartment two doors down from where we live now.
I think I had seen Elizabeth and her husband Matt walking the dogs in the park a few times, but had never talked to them. When I was big as a house pregnant with Sarah, we were struggling to buy our house. We signed 3 days before my due date. How's that for stress? It was a strange time. We were happy, anxious, stressed, and relieved that we were finally in a house of our own and a little crazed at the thought of having a new baby.
Sarah was born September 1st. Greg took a couple days off but was back to work to pay for our hefty new mortgage. He worked around 70 hours a week. And for some reason, everone in my family distanced themselves from me. And the friends I had pre-pregnancy had nothing in common with me now that I had a child. I felt really isolated and lonely. At the time, I refused to admit to post partum depression, although after I came through the funk I was able to see it for what it was. It wasn't fun.

Every day I would make myself shower, put on makeup and go out for a walk. I knew that if I didn't I'd slip down the slope. Every day I'd truck Sarah around in my sling, all over Ypsilanti.
One day I was returning home on my walk, feeling particularly down. As I passed Elizabeth's house, I heard a soft but sweet little voice say, "Congratulations on your new baby!"
I looked and saw that she had parted the blinds to say this to me and it made my day. It was just a few simple words, but it made my heart leap. Thank you! I went home with a smile and a lighter heart.
The winter came and went and as the weather grew warmer, neighbors started coming out of their houses. I remember Elizabeth saying to me (as we both crawled out of our caves): "I was wondering if you would come out with a new baby belly to celebrate Spring."
I liked the way this women talked. Her words always came out so polite and sweet.

So over the years we have become better friends. She treats my children wonderfully, some days much better than I do. And I am thankful for that. There are times I have been completely pissy with my kids and we go outside and sweet Elizabeth strikes up a 30 minute, completely-engaged conversation with Sarah and I am thankful that another mother in my village is giving my child the love and patience I couldn't deliver that day.
She blesses us with hours of fun conversation. And for me, the freely emotional conversaton that I love and thrive on. The kind you can only get with another woman. She brings us sweet cakes and left overs from things she has baked. She has rolled me countless cigarettes when I was still a closet smoker and was devastated by some events that occured during my apprenticeship.
"Meet me at the fence," she'd say. And there she was 2 minutes later with a hand rolled cigarette and a lighter.

She is a lovely woman. She has such a kind face. One that makes it so easy for anyone to talk to. You have to respond with a smile when she says hello. We've gone on walks together and I have seen the surliest, pinch-faced people lighten-up when Elizabeth says hello. And we continue walking, she continues talking while I am in shock at how time and time again I see people's faces morph into something nicer after she passes.
And for bonus, Elizabeth reminds me in so many ways of dear Audrey Hepburn. She has the same physique. This tiny waist, the long, muscular rib cage, and long dancer's arms. And a lovely swan-like neck. I have a book called Audrey Hepburn's Neck and it's about this Asian guy who grew up watching old movies and his mother admiring Audrey's lovely neck. I can't remeber the author and the book was about a lot more, but I bought it for the title and I liked the sentiment about A.H.'s neck.

Yesterday, Elizabeth surprised me with a very nice, much needed gift. It's one of those situations where you don't want to accept it but you're also so desparate that you hope God has just sent you this relief. This angel in my backyard.
A good woman, indeed.
Happy birthday, Elizabeth.
We love you so much!
X's and O's over the fence.