pressure cooker

Wow, it has been quite a month. A really oddly stressful one, but for each crappy day and overwhelming moment, I was able to keep it together and at least feign composure until I could cry for 2 minutes, say a prayer and then go back to the task at hand with squared shoulders.

The seizures that Eamon started having a month ago are still around. He had an abnormal EEG (which monitors his brainwaves). That test alone was so traumatic. All it is is about 20 or so electrodes placed on distinct measured points on one's head, then you sit still for 45 minutes and let it scan your brainwaves. Well Eamon hates people touching his head. So Greg held him while I pinned his arms down and a technician sweat and apologized repeatedly as she measured and marked his head and then place the wires. That was about 30 minutes of hot, sweaty, screaming child. And our boy is so sweet he kept pleading with her: "Please don't touch my head, please. Don't touch." But in that heart-wrenching traumatized way. Finally nursed him so the tech could put on the rest of the wires and he fell into a fitful sleep. Had one seizure during the scan.
Afterward we met with a talk-a-mile-a-minute neurologist who threw a bunch of brain science at us in rapid fire spews for 15 minutes, gave us medication, and set up an MRI for the following week.
We left tired and completely overwhelmed with a loaned book on seizure disorders and way too much information in too little time.

We were both pissed and shocked at how far this medical model of care was from the holistic one we know so well. (And practice.)
What is it with med school that they churn out really smart people who are too stupid to pay attention to emotion? We were just told our 2 year was indeed having seizures and that an MRI would rule out anything "unusual" like "you know, brain lesions or brain tumors". What?! And then we're sent on our way, too quickly, (the pretty drug rep came in with a tray of holiday pastries) like our bellies had been yanked out.

The meds we were given is called Topomax. By Googling it, it seems more commonly prescribed for bipolar disorder, depression, and migraines but originally made for treating seizures.
The only side effects might be (we were told) appetite loss and drowsiness.
We grind up the pellets from inside a capsule and put them in his food. If not mixed well, it tastes really bad and he won't eat it. However, he has definitely lost his appetite, so there's been many days of begging him to eat something. No drowsiness, in fact it seems to keep him up. He's not cranked-wired, but he seems not to be able to sleep despite being really tired. We had a week of him going to sleep at 11pm and waking at 4am and that was it for sleep.

At any rate, my mom came with me for the MRI. Since one has to lay very still for this, they had to put him under general anesthesia. Poor boy. When I got him in recovery he was groggy but screaming and freaking out about the IV in his foot. Then he was fine all day. We were told we might get the results later that day or the next. Ugh, what a wait.
I was scheduled to finally take my NARM skills exam the next day, so I wasn't working that night. I went out to study but had the worst migraine ever (should've tried the Topomax?). Came home and fell asleep around 10pm. I had to wake at 5am for the 3 1/2 hour drive to the test site. At around midnight, Eamon woke up vomiting. Then again at 1, 2, 3, 4. He was so sick from the anesthesia he'd been given. MY head was pounding and we were all sleep deprived. I cried. I already had huge test anxiety and my anxiety only gets far worse when I'm sleep deprived. Awful. I broke down and took some sinus medication for the first time in 15 years. Big mistake. Once on the road I felt like I was going to fall asleep at the wheel. I cried. My head was still pounding and I could barely keep my eyes open from the medication.
A good thing happened though. As I drove, Greg called me. As we talked, I heard our home phone ring. Greg answered it. The neurologist calling to say Eamon's MRI was completely normal!! Hurray! More tears, of course. And prayers of thankfulness. Phew!
The rest of the day was so long and I felt like crap. The midwife evaluator and the models were all very sweet. But I felt like I was stoned. I couldn't bring up the simplest of facts and information. A complete blank. I held my head in my hands and cried in the midwife's bathroom, trying desperately to get my shit together.
Drove home after 4-5 hours there and felt like I did horrible. It was just awful.
Got back into town after the long drive home and had to clean the credit union before going home.
blech.

Christmas was nice. I was happy for the distraction, the time off work and the time around family, although Greg was very sick on Christmas Eve night. And he was in one of his cyclical intense moods where he feels our lives are going nowhere and we're like fish out of water while I'm happy to go along with life blindly. (Not true at all, I just hide my suitcases of anxiety.)

This week proved to be very intense too. Each day bringing with it more arguments, more work. We took Eamon off his meds for C. Eve and day so that he would sleep better, but on the 26th he had about 6-8 seizures that day (as many as he had had total over 3 weeks). So I felt really bad for that. After a day on meds. he was back to normal again.

This week was also the week of getting rid of our animals. Very heart-wrenching. Took my old, 11 year old black cat and my 3 year old cat to the Humane Society. The 3 yo has high chances of being adopted, but the black one not so much and will probably be euthanized. My sister volunteered to take Ook, also 11, but my favorite. Just dropped her off yesterday. My sister's cat and Ook are all growly hissy with each other, but I hope it works out.
Sunday I drop off sweet Agnes Mae to a woman in E. Lansing who takes in rescued basset hounds. Agnes is 8 years old and sleeps about 19 hours a day, and stinks to high heaven despite weekly baths. She smells like a hound dog. I'll miss her though. She's a good girl. I am glad tho, that a sweet retired woman who loves bassets is taking her in. She'll get more attention, more love and care than we can provide.

The good and very surprising news is that yesterday I received the dreaded NARM letter post testing and found that I have passed and can move on to the written exam! I cried my eyes out in huge relief. That was such a hellish day I thought for sure I'd failed.

Phew.
I just yelled at Sarah for not cleaning her room and for being a talking-back little punk. Now I feel that terrible mix of real anger mixed with big guilt for yelling. But what the hell, kids need to see their parents tiffed some times. I can't always "talk" my way through how angry I am. Its counter-intuitive anyway. Oh well, onward.

Get us all dressed and groomed and start running our Saturday morning errands.

baby born~ a little relief for time

this damn weather pixie is not supposed to be here, but on the side bar of this blog.
oh well.

my december client had a beautiful waterbirth monday night. kate and stacia were there to assist, although in the end, baby came so fast they came in the room just as or immediately after baby was born. lovely labor, lovely birth. easy postpartum healthiest client in the world award. great shape, awesome diet, bled very little afterward, her bottom looked completely normal as if no baby (that was nearly 9#!) just came through there!
comical at points. this woman had a very bulgy bag of water and she knew i don't like tampering with the natural order of things and didn't want to break it. she didn't ask outright, just complained of it being in the way. at one point she reached inside and felt the bag. "Damn bag! Just break already!" followed by: "Can I break it myself?"
Me: Go ahead.
So she reached in and pinched the bag. It was tough to break but she broke the forebag a bit and found a lot of relief from that. About 10 minutes later there was a big pop from the bag with a lot of fluid, and about 90 seconds after that her baby came flying out with no pushing effort whatsoever. a feisty little girl shot into the water like a little fish and then out onto her mama's breast.
wonderful!
phew.
feels so good. now i'm back to focusing on the narm skills exam once again. as of today, i will be taking it next wednesday with a back up date of the 23rd.

went to a new doctor today. same holistic md greg and sarah have seen. i've been having crazy blood sugar issues for the past few months. i'm not terribly concerned, just annoyed by it. so i'm being sent for a horrible glucose tolerance test (the same kind one has in medical care during pregnancy) and a few other things. also having an abdominal ultrasound because my pancreas feels funny (slightly enlarged?) and he wants to rule out some crazy insulin-emitting growth thing. don't know. also don't know when i'll find the time to fast for 12 hours only to sit in a lab for 4 hours doing a GTT. maybe monday and then I can bring my work and study.

went to annual midwife christmas party last friday. usually dread them but it wasn't so bad this year. felt like a Big Girl now. many sweet ladies congratulated me on opening my practice. felt like i was standing tall in my boots as opposed to usual "oh, you're X and Y's apprentice? how is their practice doing?" this year is was "How are YOU doing?" and of course, got to see my favorite comrades and drink some red wine and eat fine, midwifey-potluck food.

need to buy christmas gifts this weekend. we're completely broke (my client owes me a lot of money yet) and i realized christmas is only next weekend. i think my kids are done, but i have my mom, my dad, my MIL, and 5 nephews. The nephews alone are $100 (cheaply giving $20 a kid). have no idea what to get parents. made picture dvds for them , but need more. also want to get sarah her own bedroom radio/cd player. she's of that age where she wants to jam out in her bedroom while dancing and watching herself in big mirror. need a big mirror too. :)

supposed to take sarah to tutoring place tonight for placement testing. it's $50 that I don't have. and she's actually turned a big reading corner, so i'm torn about whether i should cancel or not. damn.

eamon is seeing a pediatric neurologist tomorrow afternoon. he's been having strange little fainting episodes. he'll be walking, talking, standing, whatever and then his eyes will roll back and his knees will buckle and he'll fall on the floor. then as quick as he falls he stands up again. his ped ruled out heart issues and referred us to neurology. says they're most likely little seizures. so he's supposed to sit for 1.5 hours with little electrodes taped all over his head for an EEG. ridiculous. he's not gonna sit for that long with things on his head! he flipped out for the 4 minutes we sat in a chair at fantastic sam's trying to give him a haircut!
hopefully it's nothing and something he'll grow out of.

wow. i'm really tired now. eamon's napping, might just go lay down with him for a bit.

ugh, must get christmas cards and stamps still! i'm so behind with all this stuff!

must work tonight at the CU before taking sarry for tutoring thing.

at Mr. Senior Guy's house, bored

I'm at Mr. Senior Guy's house. He's taking a nap and I'm supposed to wake him at 9pm. I've read both the Enquierer and the Globe. I've learned all about Pam Anderson splititing with Kid Rock and other vital news. (just reread and realized I typed "splititing" re:P. Anderson, was going to change but assumed it was subconcious humor slipping out. Plus, it's fun to say: spliTITing)
I forgot to bring my water so am drinking a Diet Coke. Tsk, tsk.

I got to take a nap today which was lovely. I only slept 3-4 very interupted hours once I did go to bed. Eamon woke me up a lot and then eventually woke up completely at 4:30 am where we went to the living room where I put on Shrek and tried to sleep a little more with him next to me. But it makes me nuts to fall asleep with any noise like TV or radio, so it wasn't so great.
So the nap was such a treat.

If all goes as it is planned right now, I think I have tomorrow completely off from all work. My 2-5 has rescheduled for Monday and Mr. Senior Guy will hopefully go to his girlfriend's b-day party tomorrow night (she thought he didn't want to go and he somehow thought she didn't invite him, although he knew she mentioned it). I played (hopefully) the fixer-upper and told him she'd really like him to go (she would) and he should consider it. He complained (but very weakly) that women think men are mind-readers and they should just SAY what they want. I told him I too, was guilty of forgetting people couldn't read my mind. Silly women. Grin. Think he was very pleased to know he was invited after all.
I brought his girlfriend a present of a single bamboo plant in a stem vase and a row of pretty colored glass candle holders for tea lights. $6 altogether from IKEA this afternoon, but I wanted to get her something. Mr. Senior Guy said he was never one to buy cards and gifts but he did remember to say happy birthday to her today. Ugh. I'm married to a man of little effort when it comes to any holidays or birthdays so I wanted to kick him, but refrained.

So with any luck, in a perfect world, I will have tomorrow completely off. Client will go into a lovely, buttery labor resulting in gorgeous birth, healthy baby and mama. Home in time for the annual birth worker holiday party (that I grumbled about avoiding but since my evening looks much lighter might have to eat my words and make a show for a little while). :)

Have arranged to have S. try out a local learning center for additional help with her reading. It's very reasonable and the method seems much to my liking. We're going to check it out this Saturday morning.
Sunday we have the church pageant, followed by a 1pm prenatal , followed by a trek to Royal Oak for MIL's belated birthday get together. Should make a cake for her too.

I'm so bored. Off to google random information for lack of anything else to do. Here is my much wanted free-time, right. And here I am complaining.

caffeinated updates

For the last few weeks I've been trying to wean myself from most caffeine. I didn't feel largely dependent upon it, it just seemed like I could and should go without it. I've switched to alternating my morning coffee with decaf or half-caf. All tea is herbal and only occasional Diet Cokes when working with my diabetic senior guy who has the worst tasting well water that I cannot swallow down. And since he keeps his thermostat set at a shocking 74 degrees (14 degrees higher than ours here in the Civil War House), I'm like a raisin about an hour and a half there. At any rate, I worked with my other senior couple today since they are preparing to move out of state next month and need the extra help right now. I was falling asleep in my chair watching this man sort through his files, so afterward I got a bagel and a coffee for my dinner before proceeding to my cleaning job. I laid down at 9pm to sleep and here it is nearly 11:30 and I am up, up, up. Grrrr.

Today was crazy. It seems every day is packed to the gills with none stop motion.
Today I took Sarah to school then drove 50 minutes to do a prenatal. 45 minutes at the prenatal and then to the post office to return obscenely priced "work clothes" for Greg. The line was long and annoying but I calmed myself by reminding self that at least kids were not present. Deep breaths. Done at the post office and back in the car for 45 minutes home. Came home, washed dishes, helped Greg fold laundry and clean house. Got Eamon to sleep just in time to leave the house again. Went to health store for over-priced items and then to my senior gig from 2-5. Across town to bagel shop and 100,000 mg caffeine in 8 oz cup and onward to cleaning job.
Then home again jiggety jig by 7pm. Living room destroyed by caffeinated 2 year old. Greg apparently thought Burger King would make a nice dinner since Mama wasn't home (fine occasionally, b/c even I love fast food french fries), but dumb dumb got 2 year old a COKE! Grrr.
So little E. was bouncing of the walls and being absolutely spazzy. Greg said, "Must've been that Coke. He drank it 4 hours ago and he's still going nuts!" With a smile on his face.
I then launched into lecture that irritated even me about how no child needs caffeine EVER and what the hell was he thinking?

We get Sarah to bed, then E. Greg and I go to our bed. E is still jumping all over the place while we talk and pretend we are sleeping. Greg says he wants to scan the entirety of some library books we have and I asked why? in a (granted) shitty tone and he gets offended. Wants to scan some book on Green Roofs. Like, making and maintaining rooves that grow plants and grasses on them. Oh. Hmm. Okay, sure. I lighten up, glad that he's found yet another new interest that doesn't involve small scale metal models that cost stupid amounts of money.
However, he's a little pissy now and pulls out the: "Well what do you want to see done with the house in the next 5 years?"
This while we're trying to settle into bed.
I said I hadn't the brain cells to devote to that right now. He was incredulous and said I should have a ready answer. I went into gentle, yet firm talk about how I'm pretty much physically moving from 7am until 11pm most days. Seriously. I was just talking to my sister about this tonight as I multi-tasked (As always) and cleaned the bank while making my "quiet time" phone calls. She laughed as I told her about how I never get to sit down to eat my breakfast or drink my coffee. I just kind of swoop in, take a bite and walk on. 5 minutes later I might swoop back down for a swig and then fly off again to start car, change a diaper, make a bed. My sister said it was just like the old days when we waitressed together. That's how our "breaks" were. Food sitting on a counter that you occasionally stopped in at before going off to your next customer. I've always said it was waitressing that prepared me for motherhood. You get to like and expect cold food.
So back to my rant. Greg says to me: "How old are you?!"
What?! Realized he was about to launch into his you're X old and you don't know what you want to do with your life?! Stopped it quick. Said, "Listen, I go,go,go all day long. Even when I'm home, I'm making appointments, returning calls, making food, folding laundry, cleaning after the kids. All of this before going to work. One of my 4 jobs that doesn't include mothering. I know you hate your job, and that it's boring a lot of the time and you have hours where you have nothing to do but read entire books cover to cover. I honestly do not have the time to think about my 5 Year Plan. I am as Zen as Zen can be without even trying. I am a walking example of living in the moment. So please, I promise I will think about what plans I have for future mudrooms, additions, sofas, gardens, cars but I cannot give you an answer tonight, I just can't."

He gave me a "fair enough" nod and said he realized I was working hard. Was the tiniest bit grumpy with me and squirmy E. but whatever.

I can't remember a time in my life where I EVER thought in terms of 5 Year Plans.
Ironically, I was just thinking about what a stupid, anal retentive concept that is. Just thinking of it last night while Mr. Senior Guy watched tv and that question was asked to someone. Wow, just remembered that whole thought process. Weird it came up tonight in conversation. I was thinking of what a stupid, Western concept that question is. 5 Year Plan concepts grate my nerves like every ineffectual school guidance counselor I ever met. Blech.

Other updates: took S. to different doctor yesterday who is MD but very holisitic. Had a 2 HOUR appointment that I was thrilled about. We finally found a doctor who gives the midwifery model of care! Meaning, he asks questions, he honestly listens and he doesn't just try to tack on some lame blanket diagnosis. We're in the middle of trying to figure out if S. has allergies that are triggering her new asthma, or if her asthma would be in check like it has been for her first 7 years if only her allergies (unknown at this point) would not trigger her asthma.
She also has a severe sinus infection. Besides her horrible cough, she's also been having bedtime accident fairly frequently these past 2 months.

So at the store today and bought the Emergen'C she likes, a neti pot, Gypsy Cold Care tea, a probiotic (for the antibiotic she was prescribed for the sinus infection).
Greg and I had fun with the neti pot. I made him go first because it freaked me out. It was fine. Felt a little like you did a flip underwater and got only a tiny bit of water up your nose. Since I'm not sick, my nose is clear and well lubricated, I didn't experience the WOW! I've heard so many people rave about after using their neti pot. However, Greg liked it. Not sure to a WOW! point, but it might help his congested nose.

I've had a sweet revelation that God must have brought me to do this senior work so I could find my surrogate Granparents. Seriously love the 2 different ladies I work for. And get this: they're both 86 years old and they are BOTH left-handed! I am left handed and even as recently as 1978 they tried to "correct" me so I would use my right hand (until my mom gave them some verbal whoop-ass and they let me be). It's amazing to find anyone in that generation who is left handed. So there's my first connection with them. (No one in my immediate or extended family is left handed except for me, and now my own daughter~ hurray!) I've been working with these people since August and both ladies tell me they love me, give me kisses, and send God Bless 'Ems to my kids. The men are fine too, but quieter. Very nice, the one makes me a little crazy b/c he can be terribly OCD and has me do pointless searches for nameless objects where I want to eat my own head in frustration. And he's a bit like a big toddler sometimes and I scratch my head and wonder why my work is the same as my mothering? That ALL of my jobs are mothering to some degree. Then I realize I'm very lucky, count my blessings, and pray to be a better mother in all capacities. Last night one of the old women kissed my cheek goodnight as I dropped her off to her boyfriend (my Mr. Senior Guy). I was shocked, but then held my hand to my cheek like I was in middle school and a boy just kissed my cheek unexpectedly. I laughed as I drove away because I felt like a little girl, happy to be loved and approved of by my elder.

BOSCH UPDATE:
it was an obscene amount of money. It was. But I was so pleased to see the water (not) used. Our old washer would nearly fill the big sink (perhaps 18 inches deep)next to it as it expelled all the water during the spin cycle. The Bosch expels a mere 3-4 inches of water during the spin cycle. It's amazing. I cannot wait to see the change in our water bill. Oh, and the clothes are really clean. And it's a shame we don't have a fancy mini-mansion with first floor laundry (or even better, an upstairs laundry!), because you cannot HEAR the thing work. Have to go completely into the basement and LOOK at it so see it the thing has finished! Amazing!

It's midnight and I should go to bed in case client goes into labor. Could always get more coffee should I need to go. That's the nice thing about cutting caffeine is that it makes it far more effective when you need it.

Feeling better now. Even about the 5 Year Plan remark. Whatever. It's all good and I refuse to be sucked into feeling bad about not multi-tasking my 5 Year Plan along with everything else in the course of my day.
Until next time I have time, or, drink coffee in the evening.

Oh my Bosch!

Wow. All was going fabulously well when all of a sudden, our washer broke (again) this morning. Although, this morning the sounds coming from it were worse than ever. The tub was full of water and would not agitate or drain. This would have to happen of course, while I am washing 2 blankets and a towel, because these things are so easy to wring out by hand, right?
Then I had to scoop out as much water as I could. For about 5 minutes I had this pioneering spirit about me where I went online to look up DIY washer repair. Then I was overcome with "I so don't get this, nor do I have the brain cells to spare trying to figure it out". So we jumped in the car and drove to the store.
This February when we came back from a vacation we saved very hard for, our dryer broke. Greg found a new Bosch dryer for sale on eBay. Turned out the guy lived about 15 blocks from us and was selling it for $350 less than the store. Don't ask where he got it from, we certainly didn't. It was new, although no box, and it's saved us a lot of money via turning off when clothes are dry as opposed to when the timer goes off.
My plans was to go get another bottom of the line (starting at $300) washer. We've burned through our last $300 washer in 5 years. I do about 20+ loads of laundry a week. Greg argued we should get the Bosch washer to match our dryer. Oh my, lots of money. But after giving it some thought, and realizing the front loader would save us a lot of money from our water bill (and the important of not wasting water), I decided to apply for the 1 year same as cash deal and was approved.
The expensive beast will be delivered tomorrow. A curse and a blessing weeks before the holidays.
I feel like I should be living in some Pulte mini-mansion being the owner of Bosch laundry products. They'll be the nicest things in my scrubby Michigan basement. (look that up if you don't know what it is) They're grubby.

Ah well. Such is life. Very blessed and no complaints. Really, no complaints. A little sniveling, maybe. Just thrilled I was approved for the deal.

gettin' into the spirit

It's officially cold now. After a weird week of mid 60s in late November, it is finally freezing. It's 6:30 am and 19 degrees. No snow, but coooooold.
I'm waiting for my early December client to have her baby. Really thought I would've heard from her this weekend, but the phones were silent.
Had a lovely weekend. My brother came by Saturday so we could go to the Ypsi Indie Art Fair. It was just me, him and Sarah. G and E stayed home, which was so nice. Not because I don't love their company, but because E is like a curious raccoon on 8 cups of coffee whenever we go into little shops and whatnot. The art fair was fun. While I can't afford most of the stuff for sale (nor is any of it practical for the people I buy for), I do appreciate the efforts of the artists.
We walked into Depot Town afterward, stopping in at the new pastry shop (that has a really nice owner!) for hot drinks. Then into a couple little shops where we can never go with E b/c it's like trying to walk carefully through a firecracker plant in the dark with a lit candle.
It was lovely. Sarah and I both felt like it was a huge treat to browse at leisure instead of usual kamikaze, drop into store-find what you need-buy it-get out! Phew!

Yesterday we went to church (2 weeks in a row after a 3 month hiatus). It's Advent and the people are so great there and Sarah wants to be in the Christmas play, which is next week.
Dad took us out for chicken shwarma and fries for lunch at Pita Pita~ yum! Then dropped us off so we could check out Cobblestone Farm's annual holiday event. Very nice. Very cold out, but I have officially busted out my silky long underwear!So no worries. (Sarah complains of being cold for the first time ever, yet hates the feel of layers. She fusses about the cold alternating with complaining about her long johns making her jeans ride funny, ugh.)
Made crafts, heard old-time live music, made candles, pet various farm animals (huge treat for Eamon! Our neighbor M works there and let us into the barn where we met a handful of very charismatic goats, sheep, chickens and a retired, miniature circus horse.
Lovely day.
Came home and quickly put up Christmas lights on porch and put all kids holiday books into a pretty basket so they would actually look at them in the right season. Greg commented on how very Martha Stewart I was being. That's right, pal. Figgy pudding is next.