A little better angle

Eamon looking at Mama Duck and her babies.

Tonight I worked my second night helping this senior man. Tonight was better than last. Last night I had to help sort through years of newspaper clippings and magazine articles on the most random-ass stuff, put them in protective plastic sleeves and put them in the appropriately labeled binder (of which there were about 50).

This man wears a urinary catheter (condom style) that his sweet little girlfriend put on before she went home. When I was helping him do his bedtime routine, he said: "Oh-ho! Look it there! It came off! I guess you'll have to put a new one on!" And I'm thinking, WTF? There was a point when we were looking for some particular random-ass article in his office when he asked if I'd leave him be for a bit. I assumed it was because there were important documents in there. But when the condom catheter (which is tight rubber and taped into place) "popped" off, I instantly thought he must have taken it of himself. Whatever. Horrible speculation. At any rate, I put a new one on (and it's very hard to put a condom on a very soft penis), taped it into place all in about 90 seconds. It made me a bit sick though. It took me forever to fall asleep last night, wondering How the hell did I end up doing THIS?!

Tonight was different. His girlfriend and her granddaughter (who is probably in her mid 30s) were there. They all came back from the store with a load of heavy Sauder press-board shelving and such. The granddaughter and I put a huge cabinet together. That took up 2 of my 5 hours there. She was cool and funny and drank at least 4 or 5 of this mans beer while we assembled. I drank a Diet Coke, although I was offered beer, which is funny.

When all was said and done and the ladies went home, he and I sat at the table talking as he ate his evening ice cream. He slid a $50 bill towards me for my extra work of putting the cabinet together. I immediately thought of what that $50 could help buy while my mouth said, "I couldn't possibly, that's too much!" He insisted, but I just left it there. We're not supposed to take tips. I'm not at all against bending that rule, but I also don't want to be accused of stealing $50 from a forgetful, but sweet old man. And a very rich man. I figure if it's there and he insists when I come back on Thursday night to help out, I'll consider it a nice gift. Otherwise, he'll just wonder why he forgot to put a $50 bill away last night when he gets up in the morning.

The good news for tonight: the catheter was done and on tight (not by me but by the girlfriend) and he was tired and told me to go an hour early for my hardwork. He told me to go home early so that I had time to count my blessings before bed.

So back to the: How in the hell did I end up doing THIS work?! It is strange the way life leads you down certain paths. I enjoy working with people. I enjoy being a care provider. Tonight as I sat at the table listening to the old man talk while he ate his ice cream, I even pondered: It's so strange I'm getting paid to sit here and do just this, in this moment.

That's a thought I've had at many a good birth. This complete here and now of "Wow, look at me. This is really nice. I'm getting paid for this? Weird. "

And even though I'm looking at this senior care gig as just temporary and seeing me through until things in the birth world start coming my way, I still am amazed at the way things work out. Part of it is slightly pissy, self-pity along the lines of: I have busted my ass apprenticing while working and raising kids!! Why am I not doing birth work?!

The other part of me is wiser and much calmer. The part of me that says things like, Trust the Process. The part of me that knows patience is a virtue and to rush things ends up not so nice a lot of the time.

If I were a big truck, I'd be beeping in reverse right now. Just a little. Like a little half circle to turn in a different direction. beep beep beep I need this time to gather myself and be away from the midwife scene for a while. (all the while figuring out new ways to get my name out there, of course) So despite the condom catheters and annoying filing of random, useless articles, I'm all right. Happy, even. And certainly counting my blessings.

Oh, and before I forget, it seems I did not win the Sleep Number bed from the Dr. Joy Browne show. However, I am very grateful for the special finalist pillows that are supposed to be on their way.

breathing room

Things are better. As I expected, my worse-case-scenario husband worked 12 hours the next day because work was so busy. He worked his day off. Chrysler said they'd gladly fill the gap GM will be leaving in the rail yard. I suppose there is still a hint of wait-and-see, but overall, I think it'll be allright.
In the meantime, we've moved on. Celebrated our anniversary, the next day. Had a nice lunch without kids at Cady's. I now have 23 hours a week helping 2 different senior couples (both are sweet and I feel guilty about fulfilling my "I-had-shitty-grandparents" issues!). At any rate, this will be a change for us. My schedule starting Monday will be 6-11pm, Mon, Tues. Thurs, Fri.
Cleaning as usual on Wednesday evenings and a weekend day. And on Friday I have a 2-5pm, to be followed by the 6-11pm.
It'll be quite a change not being home for Sarah in the evening after she's spent all day in school. But at least I'll be able to pick her up and have dinner before I have to leave. And the guy for the 6-11 spot is 3 miles away. At least I'll have weekends off, except for having to clean the CU, which is only 2 hours of my day.
See, let's hope all of this will see us through whatever and in the meantime I continue to get calls from people needing a midwife. People getting pregnant now will be due in April/May and so on. I could take clients and then be on-call in the Spring. Providing prenatal care during the daytime hours. This is my ever-hopeful Plan. Things, I feel are looking up, so this shall too.
The few calls I have received have been from sweet women really wanting a homebirth, but not having the money to pay for one. Or, their husbands are not sure, etc. So we talk on the phone, we both get hopeful and then, sigh, we both hang up saying, Hmmm, nah, it won't work.

It will all come together. I recently re-hung brochures and sent a fresh mailing with brochures to more alternative practitioners in the area. I also found a new spot to hang them where there are a lot of mamas. And, if I'm not at T's birth, there's the local birth expo coming up on the 9th, to which I have a table reserved.

The other thing I have to focus onis getting the kids to bed early (7pm) and waking them up early. We need to get them on this schedule if Greg's gonna be in charge of bedtime in my absence. I mean to get up earlier, but today it was 7:15. And I'm going to do my best not to let Eamon nap today. It'll be easier once we're back in the swing of school time, when Sarah hits the hay totally wiped out from their 3 recesses and running around. Eamon is another story. It really comes down to waking him up and not letting him nap so long. Which, when I'm home alone and he's napping, it can get hard to wake him. 2 hours of alone, quiet, study time is not something I wan't to interrupt.

So there's my update. Still trying to figure out whether to rent the upstairs or not. I really don't want to, and also worry about where my mom will go if her house does sell (she has 30 days to vacate after that). However, if it's another 8 months or so. Ach, yk?

Off to clean and feed people.

YPSILANTI is Killing Us, or is it me?

A nice day ended with a very shitty good night. Just before Greg was about to come to bed, he got a call from his friend and co-worker, telling him that at least 50% of the traffic in the rail yard would be gone in 2 weeks. Meaning a lot of people would be laid off, and a lot of those people, indefinitely.
So he came to bed, told me the news and said that in 2 weeks he could be on unemployment, getting very small checks. We'll have no tenant come October 1. We won't be able to pay our bills. We should put our house up for sale, pull Sarah out of school and move into his mom's basement and try again. Start all over X years from now. I said no way. I would work 60 hours a week waiting tables to keep our house. And then of course, our usual argument of why did I even bother apprenticing if I was just going to go back to waiting tables? Why waste our time? Why make us so house poor? Why didn't I join the old practice? Why did I not take the bakery job? Isn't it lovely that I have options and standards and Greg has to slave away at this job he hates. and so on.
Awful. Lots of tears on my part. Makes me feel like a self-important princess but I know I'm not. And that I've worked my ass off apprenticing, cleaning, raising children and doing any little odd job I could over the last 5 years. Now my headache is even worse.
Part of me is silently leary of Greg's words because he is famous for his worse-case-scenario take on life. And I'm just the opposite. I suppose both of us, to a fault.
At any rate. I can't sleep. I don't know what to do.
The best bet to me would be to put an ad for the apartment upstairs. My mom said she'd understand if I had to do it. I can't wait for her house to sell and then for her to move in. Not if money is going to be so slim. Our house payment just went up.
Take insurance off of one of the cars.
Get rid of my motorcyle already. Please. Pay back a loan and finish up this NARM business.
I'm due to call the senior care place tomorrow morning and see what else they have to offer me.
Pray it's a lot more hours.

As much as I love my MIL, I don't want to live in Royal Oak. I don't want to live in her basement. I don't want my kids to go to school out there. I really don't think selling our house would be the best bet.

Ugh. This is all so crazy and horrible. Especially since Greg and me have been getting along so nicely for so long. Tomorrow is our 11th anniversary. What timing.

I don't think I've ever been this scared about losing everything. Damn these property taxes.
Damn this "old house" insurance coverage.

I had a woman due early April call about my midwifery services. Very interested, but had an iffy husband and says she hopes to call me back.
Greg really wants me to be a midwife. I'm completely at a loss at how to get my name out there without paying all these damn fees for directory listings. I thought about writing a nice cover letter and sending brochures to area churches. Couldn't hurt, right?

What to do? What to do?
say a little prayer for us, please.

summer is fading

Here's a pic of Eamon and I at the park on Ford Lake. It was a nice walk thru with both kids. Although by the time this pic was taken, I had had enough close-calls of Eamon falling in as he tried to pet one of the many ducklings and was griping at Sarah to just take the picture!

I had two fillings done yesterday. Both done on the last bottom molars, either side at 2pm. The numbness didn't go away for nearly 5hours! I couldn't eat or drink until I had control over my lower jaw again. I was starving! And then of course, I started feeling the pain of having my mouth stretched so wide open for an hour. I've had a headache most of today from my sore mouth and jaw. It's like the way my vagina felt 4 days after giving birth. Tender and trying it's best to get back to normal! Seriously, vagina mouth is the best analogy I have. Like a grapefruit was born through my jaws and it took an hour of crowning to get the damn thing out. Terrible.

Sarah is currently hooked on the Little House books. She was thrilled to learn that in the mid 70s there was actually the Little House on the Prairie series and they have them all at the library! Woo hoo! We went there tonight to get a LH dvd, and also came home with a PeeWee's Playhouse dvd. PeeWee is hilarious. I thought so at 14 and I think so now. He's brilliant!

Yesterday I was doing an early Heritage Festival walk-thru with my neighbor and the kids when I got a call on my cell from Dr. Joy Brown's assistant telling me I was a finalist in their contest to win a Sleep Number bed! My neighbor Elizabeth had sent me the link 2 days before to enter. You had to write in 50 words or less why you deserved this bed. I wrote about being a young, hard working family. How my husband has a hard, physical labor job and how wonderful it would be to win this bed for our August 23rd anniversary. So they put me on the air and I got to talk to Joy Brown, and as a finalist, I won 2 of their fancy Sleep Number pillows! I'll find out on the 29th if we won the bed. It was so funny, so fast and so surreal. We were standing in Frog Island while I was on hold, E. and I screeching like 13 year old girls: "I can't believe it!" I won two pillows, you'd have thought it was a sports car. Good stuff!

On other fronts, I am hoping like mad that the senior program I am working with calls me Monday with more hours to work. Things are looking potentially dismal. Well, they are dismal, financially. I was going to submit my directory listing and money for a local website for birth workers and yet again, it'll have to wait. Whatever, the pissy part of me is in no rush to give those people my money, but on the other hand, it would be good for business.
So I'm really praying things work out with some kind of work coming together very soon. The senior program would be wonderful, I think. It seems very fliexible and a great way to fill in the gaps. I'm trying to stay positive and not get pissy/stressed.
It's hard though. Sarah's birthday is in 2 weeks and I still need to get some new things for school. I'll probably try to get to Once Upon a Child and see if I can get anything decent there. I must go w/o kids though. I don't want to shop for clothes with them in tow. Much better if I just come home with some instead of arguing in in the store with my strong-willed, up-and-coming fashion designer.

I've received a few emails lately via my website, and every time I get excited, like it's some pregnant woman considering my services. Instead, it's women looking to become midwives, wondering what path to take. It's sad because everyone of them has been meek, and overly apologetic. Saying things like, "I hope I'm not bothering you..." or "Forgive me if I'm over-stepping any boundaries..." Grrrr. This just goes to show how some of the old-school ladies come off to people. It makes my blood boil because I can remember myself being so intimidated and apologetic when I first started off. This whole, "excuse me for existing, but can you tell me how to start?" And the ones that were bolder and demanded respect from these midwives even though they had less experience were shot down as being "too cocky", "too much".
I hope I will always do my best to find the time to be helpful and kind to these women.
Even if it's to say, "I'm really busy, but maybe this person can help you..."
It seems my part to play midwife-school-guidance-counselor lately. It's fun, because these women are so excited and passionate about this work. It reminds me why I'm still struggling to make a go of it all.

I need to go. We're supposed to walk in the H.F. parade today but its been raining all morning. I told Sarah we weren't going b/c of the weather but got wittled down to saying we could if the rain stopped. It's stopped and we should be down to the start line in 20 minutes. We're all in our pjs...

Wednesday night check in

I'm so disappointed in the way some birth professionals around here are behaving. I'm really surprised I'm not pissed, but I'm not. Instead, I'm disappointed that they lack the better character I assumed them. Sigh.
I'm glad I chose not to stay and learn the Secret Handshake. Don't want to be that kind of person. That's all I'm going to say.
Dumb, cryptic rant but I can't say more. A shame, because usually this is the best way things off my chest.

Onward...
I'm newly excited about a new birth project. It's fun and filling my days.

Also: our tenant announced he's moving out in late September. This left me terrified and flabbergasted. His rent definitely helps pay the mortgage on this beast of an old house. We're going to try to push on without renting out to anyone. Greg's already started his mad 12 hour work shifts and working days off. While fretting and looking online at part time jobs, the senior home care place I just started doing called me and said the woman I worked with Friday loves me and wants me to stay permanently with them for Friday afternoons. Yaay! Then they asked if I wanted more hours, that they have something weekday evenings possibly opening up. I said definitely and was told they'd get back to me next week. So I'm hoping it's some great, everything-falls-into-place type of situation. That's faith, is it not? And what a sweet message that they should call while I'm scanning through 497 jobs on Mlive.com?

And more: talks have resumed with my mother about her moving in upstairs. Still waiting on her house to sell. Pray it happens soon. She's divorced but feels she can't leave the house because her bonehead exhusband won't pay the bills, or take care of the place so it will sell. So she stays to make sure everything is taken care of. If it sells, she can get her half of the sale and move out. She wants to move in upstairs, which would be so, so wonderful. I'm not so naive to think there'd be no growing pains, but at least she'd have her own kitchen and bathroom, living room and bedroom. And the best part would be feeling like I could whole-heartedly take on birth work knowing that I have reliable and very nearby night time child care. Greg's shift has changed again (since they're so busy again after Big 3 layoffs) and instead of starting at 4am, they start at 3am. Which means he's waking at 1am. Ugh, so crazy!
We're really going to have to get the kids on an earlier bedtime schedule once school starts if I do start this evening job. Like 7pm bedtime instead of 8pm. I think we could handle that. That's still only 6 hours of sleep for Greg. But for those that know him, that's like 10 hours for normal folks.

And here's a picture, just for the sake of having something nice to look at. Sarah, Sam, Ella and Eamon at County Farm Park last week in those weird water trough play things. The pig statues are adorable though! I would love to have a few placed at random in the yard.

Realized I have to get some school clothes for Sarah. Fortunately, the girl loves clothes and my so-smart family helps out and gets her new clothes for her Sept. 1 birthday. She needs new shoes and also a new shirt for Brownies (somehow her old on got washed and dried with a blue crayon). Also realized that I have to figure out a birthday party for my girl. She always wants to invite 30 kids (and no, we don't know 30 kids~ she'll mention one kid she met at the park 6 months ago and how I should stalk and track them down to hand them an invite). Me, I want the cousins (only 2 young ones), Sam and Ella, maybe her closest school friend and grandparents, aunts and uncles. Home made cake and kids running through the yard and that's it. It's always such a hassle with Sarah because she morphs into Martha Stewart and wants to create table votives and center pieces and a whole menu of stuff to eat. Seriously will make a great wedding planner someday. It's my fault for letting her watch "Who's Wedding Is It Anyway?" on the Style channel with me. Her fab ideas would cost me a fortune (and a lot of tulle) if I let her. Her lame old mama wants to make a cake from scratch and hand out fake tattoos.

Oh, I should mention Eamon's sweet new thing that he made up all on his own: he put his hands together with finger tips touching (like a triangle) and said: Look Mama! I asked:What is that?

He said: My house! Me: Ooo, can I come in it? E: YES! and then, keeping his fingers together like a steeple, he swung his arms around my neck and hugged me. He does it all the time now, asking all of us if we want to come in his house. It's too sweet. "Wanna come in my house?" And then he'll ask you: "Can I come in your house?"

These kids are crazy at times, but so worth the craziness, I tell ya.

quite a week

The weather has been so perfect lately. It's 9am and 55 degrees. It's like nice September days. I love it. It was only 76 or so yesterday with no humidity and a light breeze. I could wear jeans and not sweat to death. Perfect Amanda weather.

So yes, quite a week. I woke up today with this insanely light and joyful heart. I usually wake up just fine, but this morning I could have donned a long, swishy skirt and twirled about on a Swiss mountaintop singing.
Sunday night/Monday morning I attended a beautiful hospital birth. It was with a CNM attending. The L&D nurse looked familiar. Turns out she was at a homebirth I attended last summer for one of her friends. She told the CNM that I was a midwife. The CNM asked me out of the blue if I was a midwife and I'm sure I stammered, and then said, "Um...yeah... Yes, I am."
That's when she told me about the nurse recognizing me. At any rate, this CNM spent almost the entire labor with us, supporting the woman and being so sweet. I'm not sure if they were very slow and she chose to do it. Or (and here I go being cynical) if she wanted to prove that CNMs could really provide the midwifery model of care. Well let me tell you, she did just that. She was awesome. And so was the mother (who I should be praising here). This particular CNM works with the midwife who caught my Sarah 7 years ago and who also gave me exclusive, wonderful care. I love this hospital while a lot of others don't because it's Catholic and it's not cool to be Catholic, etc. I think the Vatican is nuts too, but I've always had great care and experiences there.
While at the University hospital, it feels like one is giving birth in the middle of the mall food court. Strangers coming and going, and just a lot of bustle. Not to mention loads of interns and residents and bad communication, leading to no one knowing whats going on. They have CNMS too, but too many of them, so that clients complain of not meeting them all before their birth. How it resembles an OB rotation, etc. At any rate, it was a lovely birth with real care. Not lip service and pretending to give all the options. The real deal resulting in the most gorgeous girl with lovely Angelina Jolie lips.

We spent most of this week finishing up my home office and for such a small room it looks so great. I'm so proud of my husband and appreciative of his obsessive nature when it comes to projects. (It normally annoys the hell out of me in day to day living, but the man does great work and doesn't stop til its done.) Now all I need are some clients to help me appreciate this office!

I finally received a letter from NARM telling me my portfolio has been accepted and that I can move on to the next step, which is setting up a date for the skills exam. The closest evaluator is 3 hours NW. I'll have to figure this date out soon so I can start fretting and obsessing over it. And with much luck and lots of money, take the written exam in February, which doesn't seem far off at all.

I attended an open forum on birth in this century, concerning sky-rocketing c-section rates, epidurals and the unfortunate distrust most women in this country have in their bodies. It was surprisingly well attended, and thankfully not just birth workers (church preaching to the choir thing). Their were a lot of "consumers" putting in their two cents, which made it interesting. I came away from it mildly annoyed but for various reasons that I won't get into here. It was a cool event though. And I got to see this lovely woman and her sweet mother that I love. I attended both of this woman's homebirths and got to see her 7 month old baby, that I haven't seen since the day he was born.

I started doing a small job of assisting this one elderly couple with household activities and driving yesterday. They are an incredible couple. In their mid 80s and they're so amazing and have had such full lives. When I think about how old they were in such a such year and what they were doing, I'm just shocked to realize how much one can stuff into your life. Seriously, compared to my grandparents (whom I never had relationships with~none of them liked children and ignored us or frightened us), this couples has lived 3 life times. I do this job for 3 hours every Friday afternoon, yesterday being my first.
I have hopes that working with the elderly will get me over my general discomfort I have around old people. I didn't see my grandparents much as a kid, but they certainly instilled in me this fear and even loathing for the elderly. From my loud, stinky, drunken paternal grandfather to my Mommie Dearest-esque maternal grandmother~ blech, not good experiences. I'm ashamed to say that I almost had an epiphany of sorts that: Hey! Old people are just older PEOPLE! I haven't been around any old people in so long that I've never given it any thought. That my views of them from my 10 year old self are just views of the 4 grandparents I knew and never really liked. They just weren't the best characters. At any rate, we shall see where this takes me. But working with them for just 3 hours yesterday definitely has played a hand in my waking up feeling so happy. (See, it was a little epiphany.)

I had to go to the ER yesterday for a briefly scary incident (not concerning my health) that turned out wonderfully fine. But while I waited for th receptionist in the ER room to get off the phone for a maddening 10 minutes, my pastor from church walked in. We both has this "What the hell are you doing here?!" look on our faces. She is an awesome woman and pastor. She talks about her own questioning of God, her own lack or faith and that makes her sermons so palatable to me. I was totally full of fear that I cried a few of the smallest keep-it-together tears as she hugged me. What relief to see her there! She was visiting an elderly woman from our church who had had a stroke. But seeing her there felt totally heven-sent to me. I was a wreck. However, as I said, everything was fine in a matter of minutes. I did feel a little guilty about not having been to church in months. My only reason being Eamon is a complete nut in there and wants to run all over. So it's just not worth going. I go there for me and take the kids not to indoctrinate them with anything, but to get some peace myself and if they get it too, then great. :) Pastor N. said they had more babies in the congregation now and are re-establishing the nursery. So I think I'll try to go this Sunday. If only to tell Nora everything worked out well and to see how the sweet woman with the stroke is doing.

All right. I need to get away from the blog world. The kids are up and trying to make their own food.

The sweetest placenta eater...

I hope her Mama doesn't mind, but this is the best photo. Little Ella came over with her Mama's teaching model baby/placenta combo and walked around for the first 15 minutes here with an umbilical cord in her mouth, dangling the cotton stuffed placenta. Heee-larious!

where have i been?

Wow, i haven't posted in a while. both of my doula clients had their babies. one last monday, one this monday. one was 3 days late, the other, 10 days early. which was a nice surprise. it frees up my august, which is good.
besides births (which hopefully i can write more about at a later date), we've been re-doing the office room for my office/prenatal room. it's lovely.
however, right now i am standing on small square of dry floor, painfully leaning over the desk in order to type. the room is full of yucka fumes due to the wood floor being repainted.
so i'm outta here.
wanted to get online to check ypsi's mayoral polls (we voted today)...still nothing.
also wanted to find a current picture of Will Self. have been reading him lately. i know a lot of people think he's a shit and an arrogant one at that, but i like his books, i do. and i'm going to google him now.