Step into the light

I went to the Zingerman Bakehouse this morning and paid an obnoxious amount of money for a couple muffins, a croissant and a coffee. They're always so nice there though, that I just smile and hand over my debit card like a maroon. At any rate, I was totally smitten with the view of all the bakers in the bakery room (behind the plate glass window). I immediately thought of myself working there in the wee hours, pounding dough and making yummy things. Having a paycheck and scheduled hours.
I dream of having a regular paycheck and hours. Crazy. But then I hear the details of some birth and I go all oogly and sigh and swoon.
I need to figure something out because: 1. I am pretty bored. I need to stay busy and although I'm happy to report that my house is really clean these days, it's just not enough. and 2. We're broke. Or we're on the road to getting even poorer. And I don't want to go back there.

Most of my apprenticeship was spent being really, really poor. I don't want to go back to not buying decent groceries and relying on rehydrated beans for dinner. I was pathetically optimistic during those days and knew that there would be a change "when I finished my apprenticeship", but man, I don't want to go back there. Being in Florida for that short spell made me realize that it's not completely sinful to want nice things. It's not horrible to want cute new shoes. And not new shoes because you need them but because you LIKE them. I've spent most of myself telling myself that I am very blessed with what I have and that I don't need anything~ which is true for the most part. But there's no reason why I can't make some money to make life and paying our bills a little less stressful.
No. I'm tired of creative bill paying. The dance and shuffle of credit cards, cutting corners, doing without.
So I need to get on the ball and figure out some way to make money in a regular kind of fashion. Either midwifery in a continuous way or beating dough in a bakery or something.
And I still think that we are very, very blessed. Thank you. Not at all ungrateful, believe me. Good stuff, really.

I have two things I'm going to really focus on NOT doing: 1. no complaining. I bitch a lot. And I'm tired of hearing myself, honestly. It's embarassing. I bitch about work, my family, my dog, strangers, the weather, etc. Enough. I read something in my daily inspirations book (or whatever it's called) and it said something along the lines of not complaining. You speak of the lovely fruit and you shall receive of the lovely fruit. Bitch and moan, and you get nada.
2. No talking shit about other people. I'm not too bad about this. But really, I caught myself getting all pissed off at some guy I hadn't yet met the other day, because it seemed he was trying to be shadey about a transaction with a friend. So in my pissiness, I belittled his lifestyle just for the sake of talking shit. I'm really, really good at talking shit. It's a shame one can't make a living on it (well I suppose you can via television or any media), but I don't want to be that person. I am making a concentrated effort to stop talkling shit. It's the same as complaining. I will not receive the lovely fruit when I'm blasting other people's fruit.

There you have it. I am trying to be better. Nicer. More patient. There's no need for my hurried, harried, George Costanza behavior.
I have exposed some of my shadow. I'm sure there's more lingering in there. But I'm taking baby steps.

And now, I'm off to make some kind of move to hopefully better my finances.