Damn these Girl Scout cookies! I've only just picked them up last night and have eaten at least 6 or 7 caramel delights. They're sooo yummy. Horrible devil food.
The cookies came in some time when I was on vacation. And now I'm supposed to collect something like $150 from everyone who ordered from us and turn in the money tomorrow.
T'ain't gonna happen.
Last night I went to bed with that sick feeling in my stomach. Was it another stomach bug?Nope. It was the realization that once again I am on-call. I have committed to helping Stacia with a birth for a woman due next weekend. Second baby. First birth went fine, but with a big baby, like 9 1/2 pounds. This woman is probably 5'1 or so. Stacia called yesterday to update me on the woman and said all is well, she's healthy, but it feels like another big baby (groan), probably more in the 10 pound range. Fabulous. What is it with the ginormous babies? Stacia just had a stressful shoulder dystocia 2 weeks ago that she's recovering from. It put fear back into me. I was feeling good for a while. Quite confident in my skills. And I know well enough that it takes only one beautiful birth to make up for a scary one and put your faith back into this work.
ACOG just realeased a statement regarding lay midwifery that was just shitty. It's none too surprising off course, but it brought back that lingering question: Just why have I been called to do this work? No, really.
In the face of the possibility of working in a legally grey state, in a country where home birth is frowned upon, where the medical community and insurance companies run the show like a big, bad mafia...I have to ask time and time again, why?
I love working with women and babies and families. I love assisting women have the births that they want in spite of the "risks" of not having an operating room down the hall.
But is it worth it? And what are the options otherwise?
When I think of going to school to be a CNM,it makes me sick. First of all, I just couldn't cut it. Too much work and time and blather that has nothing to do with birth. Not to mention oh, 5-6 years of my life in school full time, racking up $40K worth of loans (I'm guessing, probably more?). So I start working at the age of 40? And work 10 years to pay off my loans and then retire. Working in an environment that is not supportive of women, babies or the sanctity of their bodies. I just don't believe in it.
So home birth it is.
Back to trying to fall asleep without freaking out about being called at 1am and wondering where I will take my kids.
My mom is around, but she had a small stroke. I didn't write about it, but she had a small stroke just before I left for Florida. She has obscenely high blood pressure that she's not done anything about despite having health insurance. After 4 years of not being treated and having BP of 210/105, she had a mini stroke that ended up bursting a bunch of blood vessels in her eye, obstructing 2/3 of her vision in her one eye. Fortunately, it seems to be a bit of a wake up call and she is now taking medication and being proactive about her health (well to some degree).
At any rate, now she doesn't want to drive when it's dark out, so I would probably have to drive the kids to her place if she would be willing to watch them. I so need to find a local child care person whom I trust and is reliable.
All right, I need to quit procrastinating and start calling all the cookie orders who owe me money before I have a girl scout leader leaving me hateful voicemail messages.