Fret
Okay, I'm gonna take a few minutes and be very mopey and annoying so do not read on if you're not in the mood for this type of thing. I know I'm not in the mood for this, but it's got me anyhow.
I stopped in this morning at the bakery after dropping Sarah off at school. Turns out they have a position opening where they need a night baker. The shift would be 5pm-1am. That would be perfect as far as the time slot where I can work without paying for a sitter. However, that would mean Greg having to learn to put the kids to sleep with some kind of routine (no Mama home to nurse Eamon asleep), so that he could get the sleep he needs. Which would most likely include getting the kids to bed by 7pm (an hour earlier than during the school year~ Sarah's not gonna like that). If we jumped that hurdle, then we'd have to consider me seeing very. very little of Greg. And I already see very little of Greg. However, the money is much needed.
AND, I do have my one client (friend)due in early September. Granted, she has a history of 3 hours or less labors. But what do I do if I am working at the time? If I get an interview do I disclose this information? "I can work all summer but there might come a day in early September whereI have to drop everything and leave. Very quickly. Without notice."
I am reminded of the time when all I wanted in the whole world was to get an apprenticeship. I was so ready for it. I was advised to become a doula first. I did. I did hospital births. I didn't like it a whole lot. I wanted to become a midwife. So I read everything I could get my hands on pertaining to birth and pregnancy. I drove all over metro Detroit to attend any lecture or class onnatural birth. I took every damn class P. Brennan offered. I joined a study group. And despite my determination, I saw 3 different women friends all get offered midwifery apprenticeships Just Like That. Out of the blue, without too much effort. Just fell into their laps. And it was so very hard not to be jealous and depressed. It was the same as when I tried for 3 years to get pregnant with Sarah and women all around were getting pregnant, even when they didn't want to be. And it was heartbreaking. And it took a lot of patience and practicing non judgment on my part to get through it. Greg told me again and again: "Just wait, the right apprenticeship will offer itself to you. Be patient." And it did. My apprenticeship was the one I most dreamed of.
Well now I feel like I'm back in that space. I'm witnessing a lot of really cool and exciting things develop for friends and it is so, so hard not to want to shut myself into my house and not talk to any of them. And I really want my midwifery practice to take off. And it's not. At all. And I realize there's a lot of work involved in making a business work, but its further compounded by being broke and struggling to pay bills. And I am hoping its just the same phenomenon happening again.
Waiting to get pregnant. Waiting for an apprenticeship. Waiting to be the midwife I've trained to be.
Last night I woke at 2am with Greg. I laid in bed for 45 minutes having a min anxiety attack. I was thinking things like: I'm not getting clients because I'm not ready for this work. Will I ever get clients? I'm not good enough. Maybe I've just wasted 4 years of my life! What am I gonna do?! Greg will hate me. My family will hate me! I've put them through so much already! And now this! I'm going to be making bread?! WTF? You know, along that stream of I Suck-isms.
It's so hard to have faith that everything will work out. It will. It always does.
It just stresses me out to have a normal job and to be on call. Add to that finding quick child care and it pushes me over the edge.
Okay, I need to go. We're having a family picinic with Sarah's Brownie troop and I so don't feel like it. This means I have to bring some kind of food and I have no idea what to bring.
posted by Mid-life Midwife at
3:00 PM
3 Comments:
well #1 dont disclose but maybe later mention it like when it is due to happen soon. after you have made an impression. if nothing you would have had work thru the summer.
#2 i know what it is like to not see your spouse and yes it is hard but it doesnt break you. and remember it would only be temporary.
#3 you are supposed to be doing this work. but it does take time to build a practice and you know what you need to do although i know it is not your favorite thing to do. (schmoozing and getting your name out there)i should know it took me a year and 5 digit of debt to find what worked and get it going. you have an up in that you know what you want to be doing.
it is all good lady. take the cobblestone idea and make it grow. you know anyone i meet i will be sending your way.
breathe, it will work, it is just time to have faith.
10:35 PM
I agree, don't tell them until she is due or like a couple of weeks before (unless it seems like she might go early.) Its not any different than if one of your kids get sick, is it? You have no control over it.
#2 i am looking at 5 months without seeing my spouse, and you know what? honestly after that amount of time, you appreciate them so much more.
Everything will work out, if it doesn't work with this job, something else WILL come along. It will be good for them to spend that time with their daddy (but I can see how hard w/o being able to nurse E to sleep!)
9:29 PM
Don't give up!
You are going to be a great midwife -- it is just hard getting this all off the ground.
As far as the job goes -- no one is the perfect employee -- show up the rest of the time and let them know a month or so before her due date that you will need the time off -- you can probably even work out some kind of arrangement with newfound night baker friends that they might cover your shift when she goes into labor. I was a doula for about a year with a regular job -- I probably only had to call in twice for maybe 10 births. Things just have a way of working out.
Are you sure, though, that being gone every night from 5-11 is easier than doing two doula births a month? Are they really that bad? I worked that kind of schedule -- for two and a half months and it worked out ok family-wise, but I was pretty pooped. You have thought a lot about Greg getting the kids to bed at 7 so that he can get his good night's sleep, but what about you getting up with those kids who will have had 10-11 hours of sleep by 5 or 6 in the morning? How will you keep from getting sick and staying well rested?
We should get together and strategize sometime. Of course, maybe my marketing strategy isn't the greatest -- looks like I have a couple of new clients but the phone didn't ring for 4 months. Seems, though, that the two things that have worked so far was to have a listing in the yellow pages (can't do much about that until December) and to list yourself on as many websites/midwife lists as possible, especially birthnetwork and birthpartners, even though both of those require a small fee.
you are going to be just fine.
10:50 PM
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