A new era

In the wee hours of this morning, I attended the last birth of my on-call status for the time being. I am now a free agent. No longer an apprentice midwife. With the rosy tinted glasses on, this means that I am 1. no longer on call for any midwife, 2. I can rest easier at night knowing that if my phone rings it will likely be a wrong number and not an urgent call to drive to X to help laboring Y who is birthing Z, 3. that my time is truly my own for a while. (Well, time being "my own" = having two young children, a husband a small, urban menagerie of animals, two cleaning jobs and lots of studying to do.)
On a bad day, I see this end as being kicked out of the nest (I surely initiated it), left out in the cold, wondering what to do, how to bring in money, how to be that "real midwife". On a bad day I am fearful, anxious, lacking confidence, bitchy and of course fretting about money.

The next step: just be for the time being. Be a mama, be a wife. Clean the offices, clean the house. Drive Sarah to and from school. Be that perky mom who has the time and energy to just hang out with the kids. Oh, and study, a lot. Figure out a way to come up with $700 for the first installment of sending in my NARM portfolio (National Association of Registered Midwives). Then study for, take and pray to God I pass the skills exam. Then come up with the other $700 to take the 8 hour written exam and studying and praying like mad that I pass that.

And then?

I wish I knew. I'm trying to be all down to earth and surrendering and listening for some lead, some suggestion of just where to put my foot down, of where to hang my shingle and when. The same sound advice I have given to countless friends and clients. Just be. Let things unfold naturally. Don't blast that baby out but give it time to stretch everything slowly. Then your arms will be full of sweet new life.
But instead of heeding this lovely bit of fluff, I am trying to control everything. Make decisions in a timely manner but then worrying about making hasty decisions.
Hanging out in the void and trying to honor it at the same time is proving very difficult. Very much like labor. Letting things that you cannot control unfold.